Day Two. Once More, Into the Breach


Alright, gather round tour, we’re off to our next charming destination! What?  No, I’m sorry, breakfast is not included in the tour price, it says, quite clearly, in the fine print, to please provide your own food.  But wipe off that scowly face, because we’re off to Hoth!  This ice-covered winter wonderland is home to one of the Rebellion’s most humiliating defeats.  You’ll notice how there is little here now, seeing as the Empire destroyed it all.  Which leaves us with absolutely no shelter from the bitter cold and driving winds, and some of you really aren’t dressed for it.  You there, are you trying to look like a blatant tourist?  Bermuda shorts?  Honestly.  Come on, tour, we’re out of here.  I haven’t liked this place too much anyway since my unfortunate run-in with a wampa ice creature two years ago. 

Next stop: Dagobah.


This swampy backwater paradise was the home of Yoda, Jedi Master and trainer of Luke Skywalker.  Look, there’s the Yoda House now!  If you like, you can all squeeze inside for a picture or two.  Yeah, Yoda was a little guy.  Very little.  If you crawl on your hands and knees, you can get in and get a good look at the kitchen.  It’s an adorable little house, actually.  It’s been restored after Yoda’s death at a ripe old age.  So it’s probably best that we don’t nose around in the attic.  God only knows what he managed to accumulate in 900 years.  Ascetic Jedi lifestyle, my left knee.


If you look to the right there, you’ll see the Cave of Darkness, where Luke Skywalker confronted his own inner darkness during his training.  The prudent traveler would not approach this particular landmark, unless he or she is unusually well-adjusted and comfortable in their own particular identity, or they will probably be scarred for life.

Feel free to take a quick run around the swamp obstacle course that Luke used, although of course you won’t be able to do any of the things requiring Force levitation or- well, maybe you can.  Good for you, ma’am.  You might consider a career in the Jedi field.  Alright, let’s pack back into the Yoda House for a nap. We’re behind schedule, and we’ve got another place to visit yet.

The End Is Near. On to Day Three.