Day One


Our tour begins on the lovely desert planet of Tatooine, which local travel agents describe as “charmingly arid” and the residents describe as “wretched.” The local economy depends on the extraction of moisture from the planet’s atmosphere to be used in irrigation. Our first stop will be one of these “moisture farms,” specifically the one that belonged to Owen Lars and was Luke Skywalker’s stomping ground before he left home and made something of himself. Due to Tatooine’s intense heat, the living quarters have to be dug deep into the ground or the occupants would never be able to get any shade. As the Tour leans over the sandy edge of what basically amounts to a large, gaping pit in the ground, it is easy to imagine why Luke was so eager to get the heck out of here and get to saving the galaxy, already.



He could not have done it, however, without the help of Obi-Wan Kenobi, and our next stop would be the simple desert cave where he dwelt for many years, but that area is overrun with the vicious Tusken Raiders, and we would be fools to risk kidnapping and dismemberment just to get a look at what is basically a hole in a rock face. And we are, after all, the Poor Fan’s Guide, and not the Foolish Fan’s Guide. (Their tour departs every Tuesday from the Corellian shipyards and lasts until… well, usually they don’t last very long.)

But in order to get to the next stop on the tour, we have to get to a spaceport. So let’s just hitch a ride with these Jawa traders,  and be on our way.  As we listen to the amiable, high-pitched chattering of the Jawas, we are reminded of the urgent need for them not to find out that we’re basically stowaways here, or they will sell us for parts to the moisture farmers, just like their cargo of potentially stolen droids here.  Hey, don’t give the Tour Guide any lip.  We’re Poor Fans.  We cannot afford public transportation.

Anyway, there’s no time for bickering, because we have arrived at Mos Eisley Spaceport, which the great Kenobi himself called “a wretched hive of scum and villainy.”  Of course, he had just been called out of retirement at the time, so he might have been a touch on the cranky side.



If you’re feeling a little parched, you can step inside the famous cantina for a little lunch.  It’s not exactly a family establishment, and no droids are allowed inside, so some of you will have to entertain yourselves in the marketplace instead.  Those of us lucky enough to pass the threshold of the cantina will be treated to poor service, garish lighting, and irritating music.  If you hear a high pitched whining sound, throw yourself quickly to the floor and cower under your table until that smuggler and that bounty hunter have finished their little disagreement and stop shooting.  All clear?  Good.  I’ve just offered one of the smugglers a free tour package in exchange for passage to our next stop.




Yes, I see, it’s very spectacular, it’s the Tatooine twin sunset… planet orbits a binary star… yes, fascinating… we have to move along now, we’re behind schedule and we have to get going… yes, it’s like having two sunsets a day, haha… no, we can’t stay and watch, it’s not on the itinerary.


I should hire a droid to do my tours and go back to my old job flying freighters.

The joy of Day One continues...